Stranger in Academia

My Monday trumped its own Monday-ness.  I was prepared for it with my pressed slack and riding boots, running ahead of schedule.  But the cat made a nasty mess, ran into my nasty neighbor, and sat still in nasty traffic for 45 minutes.  There really isn't enough holiday break to make up for a Monday like that.  

The problem with Mondays is they actually start Sunday night.  During the weekend, I am part of a normal functioning couple who run errands, buy groceries, and fix breakfasts.  The start of the week reminds me that we are actually running two households, I am here, he is there, and there is an expanse that must be traveled where I am somewhere in the middle.  

As for the problem dogging my dissertation, the troops are rallied for support and some word was received.  However, I am eager to move forward, itching with anticipation, because I am ready to continue, forge ahead, make solid progress.  Excited about the new direction my research has taken, I don't want any delays.  

A colleague of mine lamented about the treatment she receives in her doctoral program, treated as a red-headed stepchild rather than a valuable member of the program.  I have seen this divide before, some students receiving preferential treatment or attention while others languish with a lack of advising, funding, resources, or the like.  Usually the ones receiving such preferential treatment already have an abundance of resources at their fingertips, a supportive spouse or parental funding.  

I can respect the work of such individuals, but I have little regard for their tenacity.  

Perhaps the problem is that I say I am not angry, but in reality, I am, and more than that, I am disappointed.  

A dream is a wish your heart makes. It is not the way to a PhD.

November has been good.  It is one of my favorite months:  On the cusp of autumn and winter, a whimsy of colors, green, yellow, gold, orange, red trickling off of trees and tumbling down brown, the sky a distinctive, mercurial blue-grey sunny.  This November is particularly warm, which makes it more enjoyable, delaying the steely cold and barrenness that arrives in December, which I loathe.

I was happier, calmer, and more relaxed than I have been for a while.  I could just breathe.

I also finished my literature review.  Of course, it still needs work, it will always need work, but my new topic is developed and I am ready to proceed onward.

However, I encountered a problem that has been nagging me for six months.  This issue finally crescendoed with its realization, that the ugly gut-feeling I just given the side-eye is now a pink suede elephant sitting plumb in the middle of the room.

Worse, when I explain the situation and my unease, discreetly of course, it is met with nearly identical responses:  This is not good.

Without further detail, it just seems that when it comes to this PhD, shit comes from all sides.  Kind of like this:

I thought that writing might make me feel better.  Along with talking to my partner, my mother, my mentor, my friend.  But honestly, the whole situation has made me feel entirely demotivated and crestfallen.

This is a major problem.  Then there is student loan paperwork, open enrollment for health insurance, the holidays, sick relatives, and just everyday life handled completely on my own, I would give anything to just curl up under a blanket and just say, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't." Which is pretty much what I am going at the moment.

But then I start to feel indignant.  I put a lot of time, money, and effort into this dissertation and I simply refuse to acquiesce for the sake of making nice.  Nice, as another blogger states, does not get a dissertation done.

I become irritated when I receive the following replies from individuals who want to tell me they would like a PhD:  Because they think it is the "next thing" to do (terrible, terrible reason-- That is what master's degrees and graduate certificates are for) and because it is their "dream."

A dream is a wish your heart makes.  The PhD should never be a dream.  It is the means to a dream.  But let's be clear this is no dream.  It sucks a lot of the time.  It is one of the hardest things you will ever do.  Frankly, I am not sure what is worse, divorce or passing comprehensives.  The writing you once enjoyed in cafes will be replaced by writing that is scheduled, technical, and every word counts. It hangs in a balance of solitude and loneliness.  Clustered with an unstable market and prospects, there is little promise.

The dream should be entering a profession you feel you can make a meaningful contribution.  Perhaps even enjoy it.  That offers a means to a lifestyle you wish to achieve, whether it is world travel, family, reading, a home, or just even company health insurance.

Trust me, it does not look the way you think it looks when you get here.

Maybe I will better with a glass of wine and a good, scheduled cry.  Maybe tomorrow is another day.

Maybe a solution is the only answer I need.  

The kindest thing anyone has said is:  It's not your fault.  You're going to be fine.  You are going to make it.

(Break On Through to the) Other Silo

Today is Friday, which is Dissertation Day, the day all to myself and my dissertation.  Somehow, all of the other things that get neglected during the week also show up on Dissertation Friday, like canceling the cable service, getting an oil change, running to the bank, changing the cat litter.  I did successfully finish watching two documentaries today, one about food addictions and the other adopting unlovable children from Russian orphanages.

My dissertation is unlovable.  I really want to, but it is pretty uncooperative.  I thought two Amazon shipments of Japanese office supplies would motivate me to sit down and finish my literature review in one fell swoop, but unfortunately, what I really need is UPS to drop off data.

The problem is data.  I previously worked as a research assistant in healthcare policy, which has a lot of qualitative data and literature on basically every topic.  My topic, however, is interdisciplinary and comparative.  The literature I rely on is written in English my western scholars, so there is an entire world of Japanese scholarship I am unable to penetrate from my vantage point, and of that literature that is available, it comes from disciplines that are unlike mine.

It is all great scholarship and I admire the academics who did such thoughtful work.  But it feels like sewing a patchwork quilt of facts I scavenged.  It is difficult to find original research and supporting data; most of the work is interpretive, bolstered by anecdotes, media reports,  and interviews as primary sources.

I can accept this at face value and do what everyone else does, which is cite each other, or try to find the primary data, but frankly, I am at a loss of how to do this.

Part of the problem is that I simply do not have access to the resources I need.  My university does not specialize in Asian topics nor has a law school, so we never purchased access to those databases.
My wish list includes numbers and statistics on litigation rates over a number of a decades and court decisions.

For the litigation statistics, they are published in an annual report which is available at a midwestern university and my library is more than happy to request it.  The problem is that the annual report has four parts and they are bound copies, not electronic, which would like make quick translation a nightmare.  The next issue is making thirty interlibrary loan request.  I am certain my dissertation would never be finished and the librarians would revolt with pitchforks.  Certainly there is an easier way, but I don't know what it is.

The next issue are the court decisions.  I can reach out to one of those great law libraries that has access to those databases. . .  But come on.  I expect more of the internet.  Those cases have to be somewhere unrestricted.

The lack of those resources do not make or break my own research.  But perhaps, like most doctoral minions, I want my dissertation to be perfect.  I also want to publish something authoratative and concise, the kind of work I want to read.

I just really need to get the literature review done.  Nobody said it had to be perfect.  In fact, people are pleading for it to be imperfect.

It does not need to be perfect.  In fact, as I am discovering, much of the literature I consult is wrought with errors, sometimes critical (as in the content is inaccurate) to minor (typos, misspelled words, grammatical errors).  I am assured the quality is just fine and I will do no better.

I read one such chapter from a dissertation today.  I gained no more insights that I previously knew, except that this individual apparently worked for a prominent scholar who hates my guts for no other reason that the sky is blue when the sun is out.

That did not help my sense of feeling like I am locked out of a house or denied access by a stone-faced bouncer at a party.

Why do academics maintain silos?  Articles are secure unless your institution purchased the journal for a hefty fee, off the grid and the work is $39.99, on the server, it's "free to you", as though it is a benefit of a club.  A scholar acknowledges his work would not have been made possible without the help and connections he made along the way, yet coldly rejects any requests for assistance from a student who admires his work.  The prestigious university in the posh side of town ignores collaborative inquiries from the large urban research university downtown.  Tenured faculty acknowledge the poor working conditions of adjuncts and collateral faculty, yet do little to fight the good fight on their behalf and have them sit at the table.

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, dissertation or rhetorical.  I am just going to have to gird myself and start asking.

When a notification popped up for a cultural group I belong to from an undergraduate at my institution who wanted to know about internship opportunities, she was curtly greeted with a response from another member that the committee did no such thing.  I enthusiastically replied to her.

We were a lot alike, our academic journeys, dual-enrolled at two institutions to study a language and eager to find a toehold in the field for the career of our dreams but no idea how to do it.  Seeing my 20 year old self in this 20 year old, I shared my experience and suggestions with her via chat.  Mostly because she wanted to know about "the internships u know about."  My information was met with "that's cool" and "uh huh."

I encouraged her to reach out to me if she needed any help after giving her four points of contact.  I would be happy to discuss my journey or read her materials.

She wrote back asking if I knew about a committee because she heard back from a woman at my university it.  I replied that yes, I knew about it-- I responded to her post on the committee page.  That is, she did not put two and two together, it was the same committee.  I also explained that the committee did not offer internships.

"Actually, it does," she replied.  "She just offered me one."  Like that?  I spend nearly fifteen years working on three academic degrees and multiple professional positions to develop a career and all I had to do was be blissfully unaware of an organization that just gives me an internship because I ask?  If I had known that, the ensuing years where I tried on several jobs for size would certainly have been kinder.

Yet somehow, in the six hours between propositioning a Facebook group for an internship and reaching out to a complete stranger she had no idea was affiliated, this student got the jackpot.  Suddenly, I am useless, and maybe she'll see me at the event next week she did not know existed until I informed her of it, even though she is just started working there three minutes prior.

I remember the first intern I encountered.  I studied four languages and actually had my degree in hand already, yet landed a low paying entry level job while the kid next to me completed tasks that were far above her pay grade of free (and mine too).  She likely started with a salary at least $10K higher than mine for that brief two month stint.  Lovely.

I would like to think I made a difference in my student's, advisee's, and mentee's lives, but maybe they only liked me because of my cynical humor and superb bangs.

And maybe there in lies the problem.  Some of the siloing occurs because some people and institutions really believe they are better.  But maybe some siloing happens because most of us spend blood, sweat, and tears to break on through and are too tired and too jaded to lend a hand to a earnest, peppy kid who has time on their side.

I cannot write everything I am feeling on a public blog post, other than I have been dragging my feet on this dissertation because there is a club I am seeking admittance, and my work is just as good but unrecognized.  I am tired of tiptoeing around the silo, pretending I belong or trying to prove I do belong, but doing so timidly, asking permission.

My work is just as valid, I worked twice as hard, and I am not going anywhere.

The Return of the Mighty Pen

We no longer look up.

The students, actually.  They are the ones who never look up.  The campus is not contained, lacking any sort of barrier or boundary delineating where it starts and ends, but rather sprawling into wards and neighborhoods, practically connecting you to the medical campus on the other side of the city.  As the university has gobbled acreage and real estate in the name of growth and revitalization, it is heavily trafficked and populated.

With a Starbucks cup in one hand and their phone in the other, they stroll from one destination to the other staring down.  They are not paying attention to the damp fallen leaves on the brick walkway or considering the exam they are about to take but instead looking at their phones.  Many times, they are not just looking at the screens but interacting in some capacity.

For not looking up, they do a fine job of moving without incident, although they do tend to narrowly miss running into someone else, usually me, and on several occasions nearly walked into oncoming traffic.  I wonder what is so engaging that it simply cannot wait until a pause.  Perhaps they never stop.

There are many articles written begrudging helicopter parents for the ills of ill-prepared, self-absorbed millennials who wind up underemployed, underpaid upon becoming minted.  I beg to differ.

I think this as I walk in the rain on my way to pick up my own Starbucks coffee at the library.  A girl stops in the middle of the walkway, pulls out her phone, poses, and snaps a selfie.  I imagine her looking down as she walks away, narrating the scene with a caption, "Me and my hoodie in the rain."

Our library is recently renovated and it looks lovely and spacious.  Except the space was not created for more print.  There are multiple levels of space and new computers, but books were not in mind with this new addition.  Ushering in students are two large revolving doors.  "Well isn't that a metaphor for higher education?" I remarked to my colleague the first day it was open.

On the way out, with my cup in my hand, boots sloshing through puddles, I had all of the props, it didn't feel like a special moment to be captured and captioned for Instagram or Pinterest.  But then again, I am on the cusp of being a millennial, in fact, the scholars who replaced the term "Generation Y" had my birth year in mind.

Parent should not bear the brunt of all of the problems this particular generation faces.  We attribute it to them, but when I watch the students with their heads down, that is precisely what we have conditioned them to do.

We tell them to keep their heads down and make inflated GPAs, garner extra-curriculars like Girl Scout badges, and get trophies for showing up.  We tell them to keep their heads down as they take one standardized test after a number.  Well tell them to keep their heads down with a stream of applications made just for them to create a false digital community that purportedly keeps them connected.

The problem is we don't consider them actual people.  They are data points.  Standardized test scores.  GPAs.  SATs and GREs.  Student loan account numbers.  Their lives and stories constantly published and disseminated for Big Data, willingly offering details of their lives for free so social media and other outlets can collect it, repackage it, and sell the watered down contents back to them.

I'm not above any of it.  Look at me.  I am blogging as I stand on the soapbox.

I was thinking about looking up because I may have to take it all down soon for professional reasons. That is, cease production, pack it up, lock it down.  There isn't anything questionable or profane about anything I publish.  Perhaps the most offensive thing on the interwebs about me are retweets of "Shit Academics Say" and my introduction on Google+:  "Hell is empty and all the devils are here."  Mostly because it puts my cynicism right out there in your face, not because my friend William Shakespeare is offensive.

It's interesting.  Pictures capture everything, in the flesh, in the color.  But they are forgivable.  We really don't believe the sisters who took naked photos at Angkor Wat deserve to be imprisoned.  We will forget and forgive Kylie Jenner for dressing up as an Eskimo this Halloween even though she is old enough to own and operate a Rolls Royce and grew up during a time when cultural appropriation grew increasingly out of vogue.  We will let it slide.

But publish something and you might as well call a lottery.  It is there forever.  It sticks with you.  Not many of us consider ourselves prolific authors, yet that is what we do each day.

It made me think about this blog, if it stays, if it goes, but its purpose.  Recently, a woman I went to high school with but did not know shared with me her blog (upon request).  I was intrigued with what I understood was a person traveling the globe and I appreciated her opening up to me.

I am still looking to connect with others like me.  She seemingly fit the bill, holding a doctorate in a health profession with a passion for travel.  I hoped to draw inspiration from her story.

After things fell apart and continued to unravel for a while, I thought the only cure would be boarding a plane and never stepping off.  But I tempted fate and kept on keeping on with my program, the only anchor I had left, even though it was a bit light.

The pictures without the story would have you believe she was strong-willed, happy, carefree living out of a back pack, giving up her successful career, and rock climbing in third-world countries.  Instead her entries were about loss, being lost, letting religion guide her, and shaking off "should."  She was just as much of a mess as me.  It occurred to me then that the things I thought would put me back together again probably would have held it together no better than glue.  We all deal with these things.

In fact, I started to wonder if I was the brave one sitting in solitude with a disagreeable dissertation, facing the very things that frustrated, hurt, angered, impeded me the most.

The one thing that struck me about her blog was that it was all about her.  We read it to find out what she is doing and what she is feeling as she does it or reflects on it.  But true travel writing is not about the individual, it is about the place.

Maybe I am no different than this woman or the girl in the rain coat snapping a selfie in the rain.

I would love for my blog to be something more than that, a guide of some sorts to "phinishing" a PhD (get it?) without the sparkles and warm fuzzies you have when you start the program, believing you complete it in three years flat along with a couple of certificates to boot.

But unless you are following a blog, that's pretty useless.  Furthermore, there are real scholars who published books on the topic, and they actually work.  In the print, in the flesh.  Of course, I cannot find these titles in my library. . .

Some of the sharing is fun, inspiring even.  My recent interest is "studyspo" brought me back in touch with aspects of myself I long abandoned-- The kid who made straight As and loved art supplies.  My colleague called me over this morning to gleefully share about the new Japanese highlighters she found, courtesy of a blog about pens and highlighters, and we gushed about our mutual love for studyspo and writing instruments.

Admittedly, my study area looks less

And more research vomited on my carpet (*not my actual home, I decorate much better, thank you.)

(Inspire this.)

Because nothing ever looks like it does on Pinterest and Tumblr:  Exhibit A.  

In the long run, this really just helps me slatter all of my thoughts up somewhere quickly.  It really is all about me.  You won't learn how to write a dissertation here or glean any startling insights about higher education.

In essence, this is the anti-blog.