I Regret Not Going to Pittsburgh

I regret not going to Pittsburgh.

The opportunity was there this weekend.  A Tuesday evening spur-of-the-moment dinner idea to go up there.  It was not my trip to Pittsburgh, but I poo-pooed it.

I am tired, I said.  There is little point when we have so much work to do here, I reasoned.  I really just wanted to wake up in my own bed in my own time on two of the coldest days of the year instead of waking up in the middle of the night, trying to figure out where I am based on the shape of the window in the moonlight.  I often wake up confused this way in this life.  I'm not sure how I ended up here.

Anyway, I now regret not going to Pittsburgh.  I could have spent the day watching the scenery roll by my window than figuring out the point of the book I was reading or cleaning up after the cat who knocked over an entire litter box.  I could have enjoyed a slice of pie at Eat N Park for dinner instead instant gnocchi ala Trader Joes.  This is the second meal I cooked and ate alone today.

Instead of thinking of the people I want to visit in this town but have no time (parents, grandparents, colleague, best girl friend), I could have met with old friends who knew me when I younger, a past me, a lost me.  I will think about going out, pick up take out, spends some time out, but stay in, reading, taking notes, strategizing.  Perhaps I will write.

But I will be thinking about Pittsburgh.  Much like I thought about Pittsburgh over the years, wondering where I would be now, if I just picked Pittsburgh when it picked me.  Most people do not know that about me.  Most people know little about me.  I never let on much and eventually people assume your one dimension.

There is proof.  Photographs:  Leaning against the rail of the riverboat on the Monongahela.  Posing next to an installation of polka dot mannequins.  In the Japanese room of the Cathedral of Learning (called "real sexy" and "gorgeous", I hear that less now).  Letters:  Congratulations!  Welcome!

Sunday will be Valentine's Day and we will talk about leases and futures and plans and dreams.

Monday will be traffic jams, meetings, deadlines, microwaves, peanut butter.

I will regret not going to Pittsburgh.  With books sprawled around me, cats at my feet, and cold coffee, I will not see the forest from the trees, even in bare woods of winter.